SMS MARRIAGEMATICS
A Daily Marital Devotional
Pst Richard Minet
Wednesday 27th Dec 2017
HEALTHY OR DEADLY RELATIONSHIP PART 2
2Sam. 13:11-14
But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her.
No matter how healthy a relationship may be, it soon becomes not only unhealthy but a deadly one if left without boundaries. You see, because relationship is dynamic in nature, it has the potential to either graduate or degenerate if left unchecked or without restrictions. This is why platonic friends today can become strong lovers and even married tomorrow.
Relationships apart from what they are naturally known or called, e.g. Wife, Husband, Brother, Sister, Master or servant, can also be defined by whatever is transacted by those involved. For instance, if a boss is sleeping with his secretary, she would although still be so called, but truth is, she has graduated from secretary to the bosses lover. Hence; she will begin to enjoy preferential treatments, unrestricted access, waivers, more personal time with the boss, etc, much to the chagrin of all other colleagues.
What has happened here is what Jesus expressed in John 15:15; No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. Here, Jesus was trying to buttress this point to his disciples, that although they still related with him as servants, but their relationship has moved; they are no more servants due to the ongoing transaction.
Our text shows a brother who out of a lack of control fell hopelessly in love with his own blood sister, rather than be shocked at his advances and maybe awaken him with a dirty slap, his sister instead advised that they seek their father's permission to do it legally. Possibly they had graduated from just being fond of each other to unsuspecting lovers. What madness you will say; but truth is it couldn't have just happened in one day.
When we leave our relationships or emotions unchecked and without boundaries, it won't be long before a master starts making passes at his housemaid or even a father before he starts sleeping with his daughter like we saw with Amnon and Tamar, sadly a descent may not only confine a person like it did Tamar to a life of reproach but may also lead to untimely death like it did Amnon and Samson.
Setting boundaries, physical, emotional, etc, are essential if we want our relationships to be both physically and emotionally healthy. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to a house unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. Who goes to what room, who touches what, what can a person do or not do, say or not say, have or not have, what is too far or what is not, are all essential boundaries to determine whether a relationship stays healthy or turns out deadly.
Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. It helps you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable.
Physical boundaries provide a barrier between you and an intruding force, they include your body, privacy, sense of personal space, sexual orientation, (at what time you can and at what time you cannot). These boundaries are expressed through clothing, (when and what you can wear and when it is not permitted or decent to) shelter, (how and when to visit and how and when not to) noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body language.
An example of physical boundary violation: is a close talker. Your immediate and automatic reaction should be to step back in order to reset your personal space. By doing this, you send a non-verbal message of the invasion of your personal space. If the person continues to move closer, then you can verbally protect your boundary by telling him/her to stop crowding you. Other examples are: Inappropriate touching, such as unwanted sexual advances or language. Looking through others’ personal files, phones and emails. Not allowing others their personal space. (e.g., barging into your boss’s office without knocking)
Please, once you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem.
POINT OF MEDITATION:
Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life, those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.
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